There’s one thing we all need without a doubt when it comes to feeling connection in life”
~ PEOPLEThere’s also one thing that is the reason behind feeling disconnected~ PEOPLE
I was reminded of this in a couple of ways recently. By a poem I’ve shared below (that a few of you from Yoga & Mindfulness class asked me to share , as they knew someone who could do with hearing it too.
The other reminder was while reflecting on research after attending a Trauma Conference & spending more time delivering Trauma Aware Mindfulness & Yoga Therapy Training sessions with teachers & students. During the conference with Bessel Vanderkerk and during my sessions in private practice with people , one thing stands out – we all struggle with human nature and the nature of the mind. The poem below along with the research showing how important connection with others is to us, is an indication that we need to find ways to cope when we feel disconnected. We need to find ways to help us repair disconnection. We need to find ways accept human nature and trust our own process in order to feel better within ourself and have a better quality of life.
Trust and Acceptance are two of the Pillars of Mindfulness.
They can be misunderstood. “Acceptance” does not mean to be a door mat or walked all over, or to never react – at times we need to react (reactions are also part of being human). Trust as a Pillar of Mindfulness doesn’t necessarily mean ‘trusting others’ to do the ‘right’ thing by us either. The Pillars of Mindfulness are attitudes we can consciously choose to adopt and states of mind (& body!) we can actually practice as a way to help us be in the moment, to be present with how things really are.
Finding ways to cope with our feelings, our reactions to our feelings about ourselves or others is part of the practice of Yoga & Mindfulness and is very much a part of our Mindfulness & Yoga Teacher Training programs. Put simply we are training the mind to be present in a particular way. A way that is curious, kind and putting a deliberate pause on the constant stream of judgements. This ‘way’ is said to help us reduce suffering. Especially the suffering that is “mind” made. It is also a way that can help us meet our needs for connection, security and contentment.
Research reviewed at the conference I attended (and it is not new research , its accumulative) shows that if we do not get our core needs met , especially feeling a sense of connection to others we suffer. This in turn is likely to lead to an increase in stress related behaviours and coping mechanisms that do not always serve us long term. Overdoing, overcompensating, addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, work, addiction to busy mind. Research shows that one of those very human needs is connection with others. Connection with others can help us regulate our Nervous System. In this state we feel more steadiness and ease. Co-regulation is our ability to help each other regulate our nervous system. (We go into the neuro-science of this in our training programs. By learning to teach others Yoga & Meditation in a sense is what we are doing – not only co-regulating with each other , but hopefully helping remind ourselves of our ability to “Self” regulate.
There’s also huge benefit and beauty to be found in other resources like nature, spending time in nature, also time in Silence are ways to help us Self Regulate. Practices, poses, breath work, Mudras for Mindfulness – all of which can become part of our Mindful Toolkit to help us take skilful action toward tuning into our needs , and understanding how we can be a better care taker of these core needs.
When we do this for ourselves – it builds “Self” Trust and inner-security as opposed to insecurity. It can help us strengthen our “Self” worth rather than “Other” worth – relying on what others think about us or how others treat us to feel valued. This in turn can help move us toward more acceptance when we do not get the response we hoped for in others. It can give us the courage to take responsibility for giving this to ourself. As the saying goes – “Man is not an island” we are not designed to be isolated. We do need to connect with others. However if we are in a state of fight flight freeze or please mode , it is really hard.
Research also shows that movement and doing things with your body that help you feel capable is good for our state of mind and building resilience in life. Things like Yoga , Dancing , Qui Gong, Martial Arts, Tai Chi that allow us to become aware of our body, breathing have so many benefits for our mental health and wellbeing. Also remembering times in our life where we did “do it” and could “do it” despite feeling challenged, to see we can do it – helps us accept that when the going gets rough we will be okay.
During the conference , someone asked about how to best help our kids feel connected and resilient. One answer that stood out to me was having them ‘participate’ in things that maybe challenging . Having them also take up things where they develop connection with their body. Also stay doing the things that they feel they are good at also helps . So they have something to turn to when life gets tough to remind them of their capability . And the big one – have them learn about the tool that learns (the Mind!) Teach them about the nature of the mind.
This form of trust and acceptance that is talked about in the Pillars of Mindfulness is more a trust in our own process and an acceptance of nature, human nature. Although it would be great if things worked out as we think they should , all or more of the time. For example that everyone treated us kindly, with respect, valued us not for what we can do for them or our title but just as a human being. Reality shows us that life is not always ‘fair’ and ‘just’. This does not mean that we should not stand up for what we are for, however it is harder to do that if we are in a constant state of fight flight freeze or please mode.
When ever we are triggered by someone else’s choices or behaviour , it’s a great opportunity to practice working with what the yogis call Vasana & Samskara (working with our conditioned beliefs, or mistaken identity with how things “should” be) Consciously doing this helps us understand ourselves and others and in turn learn from our experiences rather than feeling like a victim to them.
Although Yoga may appear to be all about the physical poses and Mindfulness maybe mistaken as just being present. These practices help us deal with human nature. We can also use Mother Nature to help teach us how to become our own best friend and meeting our own needs.
Here is the poem about both:
She sat at the back and they said she was shy
She led from the front and they hated her pride
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance
They branded her loud then were shocked by her silence
When she shared no ambition, they said it was sad
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad
They told her they’d listen then covered their ears
And gave her a hug whilst they laughed at her fears
And she listened to all of it thinking she should
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could
But one day she asked what was best for herself
Instead of trying to please everyone else
So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves
And she spoke to the willow, the elm and the pine
And she told them what she’d been told time after time
She told them she felt she was never enough
She was either too little or far, far too much
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek
Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs
And she stopped and she heard what the trees said to her
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe
Thankyou Tan , my best mate for sending the poem through and to the talented author of it :
by Siski Kalla https://a.co/d/6fcwvfj
And the poem itself is also in the collection Talking to the Wild
If you’d like to learn more about Trauma Aware Mindfulness &/or Yoga Therapy
Or if you are wanting to learn to help others in this way we offer our T.A.M. (Trauma Aware Mindfulness) Yoga & Mindfulness Therapy Teacher Training Programs – contact support@yoga-nrg.com
Click here for our next Mindfulness Teacher Training program
Click here for our Yoga Teacher Training program
For Private Trauma Aware Mindfulness or Coaching Programs – www.tammywilliams.com.au
Photo taken by Shelley Harkness of our beautiful outdoor NRG Yoga Space – under the big old tree at Moffat Beach – where we ‘practice’ being human 🙂